29 April 2013

HELLO PRAGUE!

Hey all!

Al and I are off to Prague tomorrow, so I'll be back next week with lots of pictures and hopefully lots of silly stories. For now, all I've got are the three Ask Me Anythings that people have posted since I made it a tab yesterday. Here we go.

Anonymous asked:
I just took your "Ask me anything" virginity, and I'm not giving it back!!

When are you gonna add more tabs? :)

Dear Anonymous,
You know they have surgery nowadays to give me that virginity back, right?

And I added some more tabs, woohoo!

BarbyCrits asked:
Why is it that as soon as someone invites me to ask them anything my mind goes completely blank?

Dear Jon,
Appropriately, my mind has also gone blank.

Anonymous asked:
At what point will you stop being such a whore bag? Would you consider sprinkling north germans with glitter?


Dear Claire,
I don't believe in putting whores in bags. Also, I would more than happily dump vast amounts of glitter on North Germans, but I have the feeling they would make noises about the environment.


Adios!

28 April 2013

Blog Updates

Hey all!

So because I have no desire to work on the presentation that needs to be done by today, I decided to add tabs to the top of my blog. As you can see, I still have an awful lot of tab room, so if anyone's got any suggestions for useless tabs I can throw up there, let me know! This is the first step in a general desire to make my blog more attractive, made difficult by the fact that I actually suck at technology. Like, can't-work-an-ipod suck. So thoughts, suggestions, and advice on that matter would also be most appreciated.

Love,
Me!

Update 1: Alex over at Ifs, Ands & Butts has let me shamelessly steal her map thingies, which I have coveted since the first time I saw her blog.

26 April 2013

Some More Things About Germany I Just Don't Understand

So I've been living in Germany for nearly two years at this point, and even though I now understand many things about German culture that once confused me (bringing dogs into banks, obsession with sausages, Tatort), there are still a couple things that leave my brain leaking out my ears. I'm pretty sure some of these are bound by geography, since I most definitely do not recall these mystifying me in the southern, nicer parts of the country.

1) Assuming everyone around you is an idiot.

You go into the bank to take money out of the machine. It's 5 PM on a Friday so the place is hoppin and all the machines have long lines. You, the American, see one machine with no line, and immediately assume that because all the other lines are so long, that machine must be broken--because there's no way everyone in the place is that unobservant, I mean, this is Germany, they're very good at observing when you ride your bike on the wrong side of the street. So you just get in a line. And watch as every single German to walk in the door after you immediately goes to the machine, attempts to use it, realizes it's broken, and then moves to another line. Even the Germans that watch other people fail at the machine still have to give it the good old college try. Why? Why can't you just apply your infamous German logic, reason, and efficiency to this situation and save yourself the trouble?

I'll help you. Step 1: Enter. Step 2: Observe. Step 3: Deduce. Step 4: Don't waste time on the broken machine, silly head.

Edit: Al would like me to point out that this habit is the exclusive property of Western Germany. Too much democracy in the 60's, apparently. 

2)  Not making more food.

You're at a bakery at noon. The place closes in five hours, and they're seriously running low/are out of everything you want to buy. You ask the lady behind the counter if the next batch will be coming out of the oven soon, and she cooly informs you that they're done baking for the day: What? Why? You have five hours of business left, which you are losing because you won't bake! MAKE MORE. Somehow. Either make multiple batches throughout the day or make your original batch bigger. This is basic capitalism, people, work with me here.

3) The psycho-left.

I would like to point out that when I say "the psycho-left," I'm not talking about the Green Party, who are equally psycho but more in a hit-yourself-in-the-forehead-when-they-try-to-legalize-incest way.

No. I mean the psycho-left, of which a pretty solid contingent exists in Göttingen and they are fucking insane. You can usually identify them by the copious amounts of black clothing, their numerous anti-Nazi tattoos, and their propensity to pee on statues in broad daylight and beg for money on the street corner because capitalism is evil. Also, they don't neuter their dogs. Also, my dog could graffiti a wall more artfully. Also, they get together and have giant parties where they throw beer bottles and talk about how much they hate Nazis, sometimes while simultaneously peeing on more statues. For the record, they're actually a lot scarier than the psycho-right, also known as the Nazis. The psycho-right make noise at you. The psycho-left will jump you in an alley and/or throw concrete blocks through your storefront and fuck the po-leece because everyone knows cops are fascist pigs anyways.

In short, the psycho-left is made up of bullies and failed art students, who, from the best of my ability to judge these things, have epic daddy issues.

4) Why everyone loves to hate Angela Merkel.

Seriously, yo? You belong to the only economic power in Europe, arguably the only country in the Western world who's economy improved in the face of the worst recession since ever, what cause do you have to hate Merkel as much as you do?

5) Putting trash in my bike basket...when my bike is parked right next to a trash can.

Really? Is that necessary?

And finally,

6) I'll say it. North Germany is mean.

Here's a discussion I've had with numerous friends/acquaintances/southern Germans that have made the move from South to North Germany and unanimously regret it: why is the default mood of everyone in this half of the country at best aggressive, at worst passive-aggressive and downright asinine? On any give day I can expect to be yelled at by a stranger at least twice. Black looks and under-the-breath cursing more frequently. The other day I came to an intersection of two roads and turned left onto the sidewalk to bike the three feet to a corner kiosk to grab a drink. The owner was sweeping the stoop, saw me coming and immediately lit into me for riding my bike on the sidewalk. I looked at her with a completely straight face and said "So does this mean I can't come inside your store and buy something?" She hit me with a look to kill and slammed the door in my face, effectively losing my business for the next eon.

Listen, North Germany. I have no issues with bluntness, but being an asshat is not being blunt, it's just being an asshat. Does being a douche and yelling at strangers really improve your day? Would your mother be proud of you for passively-aggressively taking out your apparently incurable rage on customers and fellow pedestrians? Grow up. Grow some testicles. And come to our glass-half-full party, where we accept that life is not improved by being a jackass.

Love,
Me.

P.S. Prefacing your diatribes by addressing me as "young dame" just makes me want to put my young dame-ish fist through your face.

17 April 2013

Boring Stories and Tentative Life Plan

Hey all!

Since I have no interesting stories for you from the first week of classes, have all the not interesting stories.

--I may or may not have broken Al's nose. I'm pretty sure I didn't. It was dark and I didn't see his face, okay?

--Old Roommate moved out (sad).

--New Roommate moved in (yay).

--In Aztec, we finally stopped translating creation myths long enough to learn practical things like "Hello, how are you? My name is Tina. Is that a train?"

--I got a Mongolian For Beginners book and CD from the library. Al and I figure if we teach ourselves the basics now, language learning will go much faster than if we attempt to start from scratch.

--I booked a ticket to England to go visit Claire who I don't even like that much but am obligated to visit because of our six month rule, also her aunt and uncle have a cat named after food.

--There's an American Donut store that has opened up around the corner, and we're getting together tomorrow with some friends to storm it and eat everything.

--My good friend Patricia is coming to visit me before she starts studying in Spain!

------

A bunch of people have been asking me what my life is looking like pre-Mongolia, so rather than continuing to repeat the story, I'm just going to post it here. I give you a tentative timeline of my life:

August/September 2013: Field research in Mexico

December 2013/January 2014: Al finishes his thesis because he's speedy like that, turns it in, and gets an internship in Switzerland because they pay like WOAH.

March 2014: Finish writing my thesis. Turn it in. Hop the first plane back to America. Immediately get a job waitressing. Hate myself for doing exactly what I was doing before I got my masters. Attempt to look on the bright side, namely that it's easy, fast money to be earned in the name of Mongolia, which is right around the corner.

May 2014: Al joins me in America on a tourist visa. Get's an internship, or else just hangs out with my dog all day and draws pictures or something.

August 2014: Move to Mongolia. Homestay and intensive language course in the countryside. Knock their Mongolian socks off with all the crap we learned from our handy dandy Mongolian for Beginners book/CD.

September 2014: Mongolian school year starts. Try not to die.

And that's it!

Adios!

10 April 2013

Tina's Helpful Hints for Learning German

Hey all!

According to the magical search term thingy on my blog, several people recently have found me while searching for German language links. I am not a German language link. But putting together a blog post with some of the best strategies I've found for learning German? That I can probably manage.

There are a billion and one programs out there attempting to see you language fluency in x weeks for the low low price of a gazillion dollars. There's also traditional grammar-pounding in front of a blackboard. Sorry to break it to you, but neither of these work. One, fluency is never gained in a classroom, and two, no one can learn a language in 6 weeks unless they've got a pretty serious helping of genius with some off-the-charts Asperger's thrown in for good measure.

So here are my hopefully helpful hints you should do/keep in mind when learning German. Or any language, really, although I have yet to test this on Mongolian. I'll keep you updated.

1) Take a class.

Unless you're one of those magical people who can pick up a language on the fly, you should probably consider doing this. And if you are one of those magical people, well then I hate you.

2) But don't take too much class.

Everyone has their own learning style, but I personally have found that language classes for me are more or less useless after intermediate level (131/132 in America, B1/B2 Germany). This is because I find it really, really difficult to learn grammar in a classroom--get me to a level where I can function, and I'll fill in the rest myself. The vast majority of stupid German grammar (Konjunktiv I/II, Passiv, and so on) I failed in the classroom but was throwing around like a pro six months after I moved here.

Also, there's no one you feel sorry for more than the guy who has studied a grammar for twenty years but can't order a meal at a restaurant.

3) Make friends with irregular verbs.

They're irregular because they're the linguistic equivalent of a giant neon arrow blinking "THIS WORD USED ALL THE DAMN TIME" in your eyeballs.

4) Read children's books.

Nothing's says "demoralization" like trying to read in a foreign language at the same level you read in your native language. So start with books for four-year-olds. Two weeks later, you'll be at a third-grade reading level. A month later, you'll be reading young adult novels. Not too long after that, you'll be reading Der Spiegel before breakfast and Faust because you're a bit of a masochist like that.

5) Force yourself into situations where you are required to say something.

Having to speak a language you suck at blows like woah, and I find I can generally think of nine million better things to do. Like taking a bath with poisonous scorpions. Or flaying my skin off with bailing twine. But if you don't talk you'll never improve, which is why I have always found it helpful to force myself into situations where speech, intelligible or not, is required. It can be as simple as going down to the Apotheke and telling the lady there you need to buy band-aids, or asking the salesperson at Karstadt if they have straightening irons. Don't know any of those words? Then...

6) Learn to talk around things.

Even if it makes you sound long-winded and completely ridiculous (and it probably will), I swear this is the best skill you can develop if you're trying to learn a language. So go down to the Apotheke and tell the lady you hurt yourself and you need something for how you just hurt yourself but you don't know the word in German. Or tell the Karstadt person that you have curly hair and need something to make it not curly and what is that blasted word again? It may take a couple minutes of confused back-and-forth, but when the two of you finally hit on the word you're looking for, you'll have just had a conversation. Also, the sheer effort it took you to learn that word means you probably won't be forgetting it anytime soon.

7) Strangers are convenient because you never have to see them again.

So don't be above asking them for vocab help. You entertain them and you educate yourself--also, sometimes it winds up being really fun. One time in Bolivia, I was sitting in a souvenir shop surrounded by wooden animals, and I wanted to know the word for frog. This sparked a 45 minute game in which the shopkeeper taught me all the animal names and then quizzed me. I aced that mother.

8) Have at least one relationship in German.

One of the main things harped at me before my study abroad/move was "Don't talk to other Americans!" "If you want to learn the language, stay away from English speakers! Or you'll get pregnant and die."

This piece of advice is a) completely unrealistic, b) really unreasonable, and c) setting you up to feel guilty when you only make friends with English-speakers. Therefore, I say get on with your bad self and make friends with other English speakers, but also make sure to have at least one relationship that you conduct purely in German(preferably two or three). Whether that be a tandem partner, a club that you join, a prostitute, whatever. Find that balance between fun friends and friends that are still fun even after your brain feels like someone has carved it out with a hot poker.

I mean, if you're feeling really ambitious, have only German friends. But I personally have found that this turns me into an anti-social hermit.

9) Make awkward mistakes and get laughed at.

Newsflash: the more embarrassing your mistakes are, the less likely you are to make those mistakes again. I can still never remember if it's der Laden or das Laden, but I only had to mix up Vögel and vögeln once.

10) Good news!

Don't get yourself down reading English texts by German authors and thinking you'll never speak German half as well as they speak English. They don't speak English that well. The native-English-speaking proofreader speaks English that well. So you don't have to feel sorry for yourself, you're probably awesome.

---

Questions, comments, better/more suggestions? Hit me up!

Edit: Woah, this post got approvedly stamped by Alex over at Ifs Ands & Butts!  LOOK AT ME BEING OCCASIONALLY USEFUL! You should probably go check out her blog because it is a) awesome, b) super awesome, and c) super duper awesome. And I'm not just saying that because I got approvedly stamped.


        
        IA&B Stamp of Approval
            
            

        

06 April 2013

Mongolia News!

Hey all! Just a quick post because classes start on Monday (and I'm still doing work from last semester). Al and I are sending our CVs for placement in a Mongolian school! THAT'S SO EXCITING. We spent the better part of last weekend emailing every (no seriously, every) American, German, and international organization that has or has ever had an office in Mongolia--surprisingly, there aren't that many. Also surprisingly, there are way more German groups in Mongolia than American or international groups, which is apparently a leftover from that time Germany had a big parasitic Communist twin attached at the Berlin Wall. Anyway, no one got back to us. That's a lie, one German group did, but were super unfriendly and had nothing.

In the end, it was the Peace Corps that saved our asses. I emailed a Peace Corps guy whose blog I follow, he emailed other people, they emailed other people, and over the space of a few days we went from "...Maybe we'll have to go to Mozambique instead?" to "So, which of these towns would we prefer to live in?" It's still really early in the game, but as of this moment, we're sending our information off to be teachers; either both of us will teach German, or Al will teach German and I'll teach English.

I'm out of my mind with excitement, but have to remember to bring myself down to earth because I have a more pressing adventure coming up that I need to actively start booking things for. But it is safe that on the Mongolia front, things are looking good!

If anyone wants to come visit us in a year, we'll be here:

I can't promise running water or electricity, but I bet we can find a yak to be friends with.

01 April 2013

Happy Easter!

Hey all!

Happy Easter! Al and I have been enjoying a really laid-back long weekend, which has been lovely. Yesterday I went to the post office to pick up what I assumed was my birthday package from my mom. I sat there in line doing the excited dance, and when I got to the front to give Post Dude my ticket, I did some more exciting bouncing while saying "THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY PACKAGE THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY PACKAGE." My birthday package turned out to be an envelope. Also, it turned out not to be my birthday package.

Bad news: Birthday package=still not here.
Good news: New, shiny Portuguese passport=really sexy.

Today we decided to get into the Easter spirit by inviting a friend over and resurrecting the "decorate bunny cakes" tradition, which my Mom used to do with my sister and I every year when we were itty bitty children. Unfortunately, cookie cutters were 5 euros (and there weren't even any bunnies, only dragons. Not that I'm opposed to the concept of the Easter Dragon, but it's just on principle), so I free-handed stencils and we just used those. Also sacrificed was my last box of Betty Crocker cake mix (funfetti) and all the powdered sugar we could mix with the butter. Totally worth it though.

In no particular order, these are my favorites from our epic cake-decorating day!

Bavaria Egg

Zombie Bunny

Gremlin?

Big-nosed Chicken.

Hipster Bunny

Chicken-Or-Egg-How-Meta

There was also another bunny that got made in the likeness of a very infamous and unpopular person, but I have elected not to put that one on the internet.

That's all I got! Hope you guys had a lovely Easter!